my thoughts

[shannan]

I watch entirely too much TV, spend too much time on the computer and lately have been singing (badly I'll admit) on American Idol on my son's PS2. I know this is due to hating the quiet times when the sadness overcomes me. I know it's my grieving the what could've and should've beens in my life and the unfairness of this situation. My thoughts often drift to specific situations and sometimes I laugh but most of the times I cry. Tonight I remembered a time in my twenties when my boyfriend at the time was giving me a back rub and commented how it was weird that at a certain spot it was like my spine disappeared because he couldn't feel the bones there. At the time I figured it must have been scar tissue, only to later find out that during the first surgery parts of my vertebra were removed. Funny it's a moment in time that I haven't thought of since it happened which came into my head today. I feel sad that I cannot be the mom I want to be for my son, who is 10. Don't get me wrong I do the best that I can, but I would like to be able to run with him, bike with him, and go camping like we used to. This is what makes me sad and so angry about this stupid tumor. I can honestly say that this is not how my life was supposed to be. I really miss dancing a lot....there were many weekends spent at the bars and clubs where I was rarely off the dance floor.

Don't get me wrong for the most part I have a positive outlook regarding this thing and celebrate the progress I have made so far and intend to continue to make. My son and I have good quality time together, and I have a wonderful supportive family. I choose not to share this with them because they cannot possibly understand what this feels like, although I know they would try. I also know that I cannot keep this in or it'll eat me up so I choose to share my thoughts with the others that understand the dark times.

Thanks for listening and for the understanding that I know you will show. Tomorrow is a new day and there are bright things on my horizon.

[katherine]

I too have days/moments like this. Keep your chin up. Having this website reminds me (in times like this) that I'm not alone. I've learned through counseling that when my mind wonders I need to be in control and turn off the "What ifs" and focus on other stuff. I too grieve the old me or the shoulda been me. Its very difficult to turn off the questions and dark thoughts. Just keep fighting the fight! Take care!

[chickiet]

I think that grieving the "old me" is one of the hardest things to deal with. Nobody else (outside this group) can understand what we are going through - the typical comment is - but look at how well you're doing / at least you can walk / etc...

Yes, I'm extremely grateful that I can walk, and that I can walk as well as I do. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't miss what could have/should have been. Those feelings come and go - and are stronger at times when there are things that are passed by or done differently than before.

The good thing about this group is that I think we all experience some degree of that grieving for what we feel we were entitled to and/or expected from our lives. And none of us will tell you that you shouldn't feel the way you do.

Somehow we all have to find that balance between grieving and moving on - and that can be a very tricky thing.

Chris

[Tmasgio]

Shannan,

This topic really hits home. I went to counseling and was told that when you lose alot of your former self it is like losing someone close to you. It is compared to losing a loved one in death. I remember crying all day long and always thought about the things I could not do anymore. I am approaching the 1 year mark next month. I will say this I am blessed for the things I can still do. However, there are alot of things that I cannot do so good but if you ask anyone around here your children will understand. Children are so accepting of our situations. My daughter and son are no exceptions and have taken to the new situation very well.

You are no different inside and it will take you sometime to heal mentally but dont deny yourself time to grieve. It is part of the healing process as I am sure you already know. After all of your tears are cried a new prospective will emerge and you will be able to do anything again. Anything meaning able to adapt to any situation.

Tony

[Joel]

Shannan:
I too get the "woe-is-me's" from time to time. It is good and healthy to get it out! It is also very normal. Tell your kids that you are sad; that you miss doing things with them; they will respond positively. Kids are great. I play more inside games with my kids now. Cheer up, ok?
Joel

[bethann]

I find myself still at times feeling sorry for the what we had days! I am doing good walk well....just have pain in my right upper side that slows me down. I was unable to do the job I was doing before my surgery, then I thought I might want to go into office work went to school and received a certificate....decided that was not for me and now I have started my own business! Yes I still am far from making the money I made before so that gives me sad moments! I feel like I am no pulling my weight (I have been loosing weight but.....) My husband keeps telling me it is fine. My business has been growing and I see a future with it! So I know there may be a day when I can say maybe there is something good that can come out of this! I have always wanted to own my own business and here I have done it!

myerrandrunnerllc.com/

Beth

[qhcrazy]

Shannon:

I completely understand about coming on here to share thoughts and feelings! I too don't talk about it much to my family, because it will only leave them feeling sad for me and then nobody knows what else to say or talk about, so I've opted to just act as normally as I can and when I get really down, I go down to my barn and cry into my horse's neck, or my dog's furry face while he licks me to death!!!! Hang in there!! I bet you're one heck of a great Mom!!!!!!

[8338]

Hi everyone,
Here is a big {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{cyberhug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} for everyone.
Good to have you to come and vent with.
One thing good from all of this is my legs are firmer from working my legs out on the pt eliptical :-) I think that they were flabby before :-P.

[shannan]

Thanks to everyone for responding....I typed it here knowing the understanding would come from this group. I am doing okay and the "woe is mes" are gone for now and I know when they return that I can always count on the group for support. My son is very amazing and I try to ensure that we still do a lot of things together, it's just different. I agree with the pet support, my cat curls up on my lap every time I am on the computer and my dog also likes giving really gross, sloppy puppy kisses...makes it hard to stay down. Good thing.