past life

[vickie]

Hi, Cheryl,
I"m an avid reader when I have the time and I'm pretty sure that I have read one of her Medicine Woman series. When I was in college I had a teacher that was a Zen Buddhist that taught me meditation (and okay I admit he was very very good looking and that drew me to the class, what can I say I was young!!) As I delved deeper into Zen Buddhism I really enjoyed where the meditation sent me and believed/believe in many of their beliefs but found that the lifestyle a little to stingent for me. I have always been drawn to the teachings of religion and find it fasinating but something always drew me back to my heritage and the Native American teachings of mother earth and father sky. I hope that the times I've seen "grandfather" or so I began calling him, he always comes at times of greatest need or when I'm walking a wrong path has been real but in truth there are times I fear it is my imagination. Either way I have always been pointed in the right direction.
It is funny that Tracy brings up that chronic pain or physical challenges are considered a blessing because in a twisted sort of way I consider it that way. Beginning with my car wreck and then years later with the diagnosis of my tumor, I have met so many wonderful people from the different web sites where I have met great people who understand, to doctors, nurses and other people that have given me a far greater appreciation of life and all things that are around it. If that wreck had not happened or the tumor not invaded me I don't think I would have become the person I am. Don't get me wrong I'd trader my left foot to have a day free of pain, but that constant pain always reminds me that there are so many out there that are in far worse straights than I am, when I look at the TV screen and see so much pain in the world I am glad that my pain is confined to my body and not the world.
I think that with everything that I have gone through, though I know a billion people out there have gone through so much more, I have learned to be a gentler more understanding person. Although I have my moments when I would just as soon hit the wall than look at another pill I have to take and feel terribly sorry for myself but I think that is human nature.
I wish though Tracy that you could learn to smile and laugh again it is so very good for you, I know that pain can control our lives and make the day terribly long and sad we've all been there and go there all the time, but laughing and smiling helps the pain at least it does for me. When I find the pain intolerable and no amount of drugs can decrease it I just walk away from my body and find the place I have tucked inside of me that no pain can reach, there I can walk again, jump horses, and walk along the beach, I let myself smell the breeze and feel the sun on my face, it may only last for a few minutes but in those few minutes I find myself pain free or at least it is shoved way back into my brain where it can't touch me.
I have been watching the human body series on the discovery channel and found the episode on pain very interesting. It was partially about using hypnosis to handle pain, I don't know if it would work for any of us but I sure am willing to give it a try.
I saw my pain management doc yesterday, she switched me from the Ultram ER that wasn't working at all for pain to 10mg x2 daily of oxycontin and I tell you an hour after I took that first pill I felt a decrease in pain that I haven't felt for ages. I know the pain will never go away and she warned me that I will never get more than 50% reduction in pain no matter what drug I am on, the pain actually dropped about 20% and I could do the dishes in one setting instead of taking two hours to do them, to those out there that don't live in constant pain like we do that may not seem like much but to me that was a God send and I am grateful for it. Now to be able to walk around the block and not have to cry on the way back!!!
When you talk about the book the Secret I have a funny story- or maybe a weird one. When I went on Social Security I lost so much of my income that I've been barely treading water and have had to move in with my daughter, I pretty much lost everything but my car and that was only because I had disability insurance on it, something my father taught me, always, always get insurance that will make the payments just in case- so glad I did. I did as the book said and started to believe that I was going to get help to survive and know in less than a month I got a check for 33,000 from my long term disability insurance, they were going to make my life miserable if I didn't take the pay off but it came at the time I was just about ready to lose our house as my son in law had been laid off (and that's a different story) we caught up on the rent, paid off all the bills and bought things we needed. I even managed to sock a little away. It didn't last long but it made the difference so maybe there is some truth to believing.
Sorry this is so long, I think I'm avoiding cleaning by writing so I guess I'll stop boring you all now !!!
Thanks for listening!
Vickie

[shannan]

I thank everyone for their response and comments in this thread. I must admit that I began this topic tongue in cheek and was in a very strange and somewhat giddy mood that day. Not currently working I have entirely too much time to sit and think and odd thoughts tend to enter my head, for some reason I decided to post this one. I do tend to have some control issues and believe this thought was a way for me to take some sort of control over a completely uncontrollable situation. It's very hard to explain, but I do want people to understand that although I continue to grieve my changed life I do not in anyway believe that I somehow deserve this tumor or am filled with negativity over this situation. Don't get me wrong there are days where I yell and scream about it and days where I cry and feel sorry for myself, but I understand enough about the grief process to know that I am working through it. I used to like the saying that " what doesn't kill us makes us stronger"; however since my surgery I have adapted it to something more fitting for me which is "what doesn't kill me, changes me and I choose whether it will be positive of negative.

Shannan

[chickiet]

Shannon -

That is a great philosophy which most of us could/should embrace. I am grieving my old self and I've really got to figure out the new direction for the new me.

I'd really like to adopt as my philosophy something my granddaughter learned in pre-K - "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit." Sounds good in theory, but sometimes you just have to throw the fit so you can move on.

Chris

[8338]

Hi again,
You know, it's stinks for me to have had this sct. One good thing that happened from it is that my son decided to become a doctor and he said that me getting this tumor had a lot to do with his decision.
Barb

[Joel]

We are all so very aware of the bad that comes from these tumors. The challenge then, is to find some good, and dwell on that. This is part of the fight, right?