bad day just venting

[robby]

I just vented some, I know its safe here.

OK, so my second surgery is approaching. This coming Friday. I am really trying hard to be strong and have faith but it is just not working this time around. I have very little optimism. I don't know what is going on, I am trying to shake it off. Is it because I know what it will be like after surgery? Is it because they didn't get all of the tumor the first time and now it has regrown in one year? Is it I have more symptoms then before? Then there is the possible radiation treatments. I know questions no one can answer I just need to get them off my chest. I was ready for the second surgery but with the regrowth I feel like I went back to start and I can't get going again. I was raised not to dwell on my problems and that there are people out there worse off. I also have a boat load of work to do not only at my house but for my mother too. I don't think its going to get done, all I want to do is go upstairs and pull the covers over my head. I feel like I am letting everyone down. This is not me! I'm not looking for pity. I just want to shore up some strength. I thought I had some strength in God and faith but thats only holding on by a thread.
well that's about it thanks for listening. I do feel a little better. I don't talk to my family much about how I am feeling it seems to upset them. And I don't want to worry them.

[Linda51]

Hi Robby,

It okay to feel the way you do and don't beat yourself up about the way you are feeling. I have been through 2 surgery myself not because of tumor regrowth but due to the first surgery it didn't look good and it was best to stop and see what kind of tumor it was before going back. I have to say there is no 2 surgery just alike and you will be surprised how different the second one can be. It scary I know because you been through it already once but also all of those fears you had might not even happen so think positive and just know whatever happens you will be able to get through it and be stronger because of it.

Today you may be having a bad day but tomorrow you may see everything differently and be better for you. For the next few days just think about the time you have right now with your family do some fun things, watch some movies together, go to the park for an outing just enjoy life, put some laughter in your life and just think positive.

Keep your faith in God knowing he can get you through this and I know there will be alot of people praying for you, your family and Dr. Jallo. You have a great surgeon and with all of the prayers going up you will be surprised how well you may be after Friday. As far as radiation let that be decided on down the road don't even think about that right now. I have been through all of it except for chemo and I will say it does get better with time and what God has brought me through he can do the same for you.

~Linda

[john8888]

My thoughts will be with you next Friday.

It is nasty that you need to do this all again so soon.

I hope you have a short and successful surgery and that your recovery is quick.

Stay strong.

[peilynne]

Dear Robbie,
First of all, I am very sorry for everything you are going through. I totally understand how you are feeling. I have to constantly motivate myself to stay strong and positive. I had an intramedullary ependymoma removed last June c3-t2. As a result I have been left a tetrapalegic. It's not what I had pictured for my life. I just turned forty this year. This year has been soooooo hard, however I continue to make improvements so I try to focus on the improvements and not the deficits. I recently had my one year mri and I was so scared there would be regrowth. Try and believe that the second surgery will go better than the first. And put the radiation factor out of your mind for now. Stay strong and know that all of us will be thinking and praying for you on Friday. You are a strong person and you need to find your strength again, and you will, take care, i'll keep you in my thoughts, lynne

[8338]

Hey Robby we don't mind listening to you vent! We all get frustrated with how the tumors have changed our lives.
I had a busy day today because i was doing the wash, draging it outside in one of those mesh hampers, and hanging it up on the line. Then I cleaned the house and vacumned, dyed my hair, baked a coffee cake and packed the camper for a little vacation. I move very slowly, usually with the help of a cane, and my legs get sooooooooo heavy that I have to keep sitting down. Now I am so tired and thought to myself that I am so sick of not being able to carry things and walk around and do things like I use to. Even though I know I'm at least lucky to be walking, I forget all of that when I am depressed.

As far as your surgery goes, Dr. Jallo did my second surgery. You see, the first surgeon didn't even touch the tumor and Dr. Jallo got 98% of it out. With him I seem to pop back sooner and had more expert care for a spinal cord tumor than I did with the first surgery. I came out of the surgery with what I went in with- no better, no worst. Trust Dr. Jallo, after all he specializes in these.
I know that you must get down when you think of once again having to take it easy, take care of your stitches, taking meds. and slowly regain your strenght back. But you'll get there!!!!!! Just make sure you go to pt and then after that keep at it with some sort of gym program. That's how I'm doing it.
You're right in that you can tell you family all of this and they'll nod their heads and say "yeah we understand" but no one understands like one of us.
Just yesterday my neighbor asked if I'll ever get better and I told her of what I had learned about with the spinal cord getting cut and all the neurons etc. being affected and not sending the signals to the brain. The average human being just can't fathom this. It's beyond human comprehension (except for us) SEE HOW SMART WE ALL ARE NOW :-)
Robby, let us know how you did with your surgery.
............and you're the one that you have to be concerned about. If things don't get done for your mom, I'm sure that she will understand and when they get done, they get done.
Barb

[badtazz]

Robby,
I have had 3 surgeries 05/03, 05/05, 06/07. I forced myself to show them that I could walk with a walker just to get out of the hospital within a week of the surgeries. I would rather be at home than in the hospital. If you don't get things done before you go in, it will give you a good reason to concentrate on recovering sooner. I found that everything I needed to do was not as important as getting through the surgery. I always joke with them before my surgery to help me be more comfortable. I wish you the best and stay strong. I will be thinking good thoughts for you on Friday.

Jeff

[qhcrazy]

Robby, it's okay to feel down and to want to vent. I think you've answered all of your own questions by coming on here and posting your own thoughts. Yes, I believe that you know what's coming up after surgery and that's probably most of why you're feeling the way you are, who could blame you? As for your faith in God, I am too a Christian, and feel that these types of incidents are tests of our faith. I too went through not feeling so faithful and I turned it around and realized that it wasn't God's fault that the tumor came there, but He was and is there to help us through all of this. The faith isn't in the "why?", the faith is in the "how do I handle this?". I know what you mean about other people being worse off, but there's nothing wrong with dealing with your own feelings and realizing for the moment, that you too need lots of attention and support. I will be praying for you every step of the way and hang in there, and don't forget to pray.

[otjenn]

I too had a second surgery. I think going into the second one was much more difficult just because you know more what to expect. It is totally acceptable to feel down and wary but just don't let it consume you....that's one of the best things about this forum!!! You vent and have otherw who have a pretty good idea of where you are coming from. It IS hard and it DOES suck but we get through it the best we can. My thoughts will be with you from
Fri into your recovery!! May the force be with you Jenn

[drummer904]

Hey, good luck on friday, yeah we'll be thinking of you and hoping for a great outcome.

Take care

[Joel]

Rob:
Ditto the others' comments. Try to just keep it simple--you need the surgery; gotta do it; got the best; what happens, happens. Don't paint the gloomy picture. Things could end up great too.
Joel