Down time

[8338]

Hi everyone,
Well I finally made it back again after not checking in for awhile.
It is 1:30 in the am over here in Buffalo, NY and I just got back from a dance. I don't know why i agreed to go with some friends.
Everyone and their husbands were up dancing, the room was packed and I sat and just bounced in my seat. People were staring and probably wondering why the heck I wasn't getting up. Well, I walk with a cane and I could never get up and dance fast. My husband would not get up and dance slow and that made me feel worst. When we came home early, he went to bed and here I have been crying and crying. I hate what this tumor took away from me. I don't look like I use to and can't do what I use to and everyone treats me like I am differant. It's been 5 years and I thought that I had accepted my new body but I guess I haven't yet. Thanks for listening- I know everyone understands here, and only here.

[IdaB]

Oh, that's so awful - I am so sorry. I'm betting you went so you wouldn't feel left out, but then this happened. I hope when you are able to talk to your husband about it later, that he understands how badly that hurt that he wouldn't dance slow - if he doesn't have similar issues, then he may not understand how hard and frustrating it is to not only have this tumor happen, but then to feel isolated because of it. I know exactly what you mean about not being able to accept your "new body" - I don't think I ever have. Sometimes I think that's a good thing, that I refuse to think of myself as "sick" or otherwise limited. But sometimes my limits smack me in the face, and it hits me hard.
I'm glad you (and all of us) can come here to get this out - people here do understand, even when those around us think we're the most crazy (especially then)!
Hoping you have a better day tomorrow -
Ida

[barcamilla]

I know how you feel, many occasions that should be happy fun events turn into a sad event that reminds you of your limitations. I can relate in that my husband is a very good dancer and enjoys it, so I incourage him to dance with other women so he doesn't have to give up something he enjoys. But I sit on the sideline and cry inside. I don't know how you ever get over these feelings, or how you can become strong enough to accept them.
Barbara

[paul55]

Sorry to hear you had a bad night. I agree with Ida, to talk to your husband about the slow dancing! He could have done that for you to make you feel part of the activities at the dance. I know how you feel. Acceptance of these new bodies we all have is difficult at times. There are many things I can no longer do and it is frustrating to no end. But somehow I plug along, but I think we have to. I'm just thankful for the forum. A real safe haven to go to.

As Ida says, I hope you have a better day tomorrow. I'm sending you a big hug for a start!

Paul

[Ali-Brad]

It's good to express your feelings. It's a shame you had to cry alone and perhaps wait until the next day to speak with your husband. I'm 3 yrs post op and still hate what the surgery has done to my body and abilities. We know we are glad to be alive but it doesn't stop us thinking about the past. I often wish for just 24 hours of the old me.

You take it easy and have some good 'heart to hearts' with your husband.

Alison

[Linda51]

Hi Barb,

Sorry this has happen to you again. I know this was something you like to do and as we all know those things we can't do anymore it does hurts. You know you say some were staring at you maybe they just saw a beautiful woman sitting there bouncing and having a good time and didn't think anything about it. Most of the time we put to much thought in what others are thinking when in reality they aren't even thinking like that. Besides we have been through so much why would we care what others thought anyway.

I agree with the rest that you need to set your husband down and have a heart to heart talk. I know you two are very close and talk everything over. So don't just complain to him but let him see how your heart was broken by going to this dance and on top of it he wouldn't slow dance with you. Tell him he needs to compromise if he will slow dance with you a few times he could find another dance partner that can fast dance that way he doing what he likes and you are able to dance the way you can now and not feel so isolated and alone.

If your husband doesn't like slow dancing in public get him to slow dance with you in the privacy of your home. Tell him how much fun it could be or better than that don't tell him but show him. Some night when neither of you are to tired pick a room in the house and have candles going some soft romantic music playing in the back ground put on something you are comfortable in or romantic call him in there and say slow dance with me. He should be thrilled that you took the time to set the mood and by doing that it could lead to other things and do that a few times and then say honey let's go out dancing and tell him to think about those nights you were both alone slow dancing at home when he out there on the dance floor and by doing that maybe he would start liking slow dancing more. If it doesn't work well it was only a thought.

~Linda

[rm]

Hi - I know how you feel. While "just sitting" there, try to think of how much worse you could be! Who would you really trade places with? Pretty soon you'll feel so upbeat people will wonder why you're sitting there looking so pleasant. Just enjoy watching others having a good time and be glad that you're not home alone. I like Linda's suggestion :-) it could help!

Hope to see you in Chicago and catch up on our families.

Hugs and prayers - Ruby

[qhcrazy]

Oh, I am so sorry that you're feeling down tonight! If it makes you feel any better, I can totally relate and understand. I too feel like everyone looks at me differently and that as time goes on, everyone is forgetting the "old me", and what I used to be able to do and they now see the "new me". I wish I could say or do something to make you feel better, but at least we all on here KNOW what everyone is going through.

[aliclement]

This reminds me of an experience I had a few months ago at the wedding of my son's preschool teacher. I was sitting while everyone was dancing, feeling angry that I'm not even 40 years old yet and I can no longer dance. My son kept coming over to me begging me to dance and I kept saying, "I'm sorry, I can't because of my bad legs." He was so upset and kept telling me, "Just try, Mommy!" I was feeling miserable. Finally, about the sixth time my son came over, I went with him. I stood on the edge of the dance floor, leaning on my cane, and moving my feet around the best I could. It was scary because I didn't feel very stable with all the people whirling around nearby, but I managed. My son could care less that I was barely moving, he held on to my free hand and danced around me, thrilled that I was just there. This type of thing has happened to me more than once, where I stop and ask myself, "Wait a minute, can I really not do it?" It is at these times that I think I make the most progress in my recovery. I hope you can experience this too, maybe by trying to dance a little at home as Linda suggested. Hope this helps!

- Alison

[Matthew Sweeney]

What we need here is a big dose of Carol Miller, God rest her soul. She had such a great way of making us all feel so good about ourselves and to inspire in us that our disability does not change who we are or take away from our beauty. She was our greatest cheerleader because she showed us by the example of her life.

Barb, I wish I could come close to doing that for you like Carol could. All that I can say is thanks for your honesty and don't let others keep you from enjoying every little thing you can, even if it is just bouncing in your seat instead of dancing. I miss dancing, too. Can I ask what song you would most like to dance to? I love Van Morrison. If you ever come to Seattle you let me know and you and I will have a dance and let the gawkers gawk!

Matt