Coping strategies

[qhcrazy]

How do you all cope with the "loss"?! I usually go down to my barn and cry into my horse's neck or into my dog's furry face, who just usually licks me to death, then that makes me laugh, so then I feel like a crazy person laughing and crying at the same time!!!!! But, after my "session down at the barn", I usually feel somewhat better and then move on until next "session". I guess it's my way of dealing with all this mess. How do you all deal?

[8338]

Hi,
I have a good cry. I usually don't share my down times with anyone.

Barb
PS You guys are the exception, though :-)

[ScrapHeap]

Well, outwardly and especially to those who knew me before, I am suppose to be the tall, strong, Type-A personality. You know... I can handle whatever you or life can throw at me... take it in stride and come up w/a solution along the way. I'm still like that inside, for the most part. But I had to put all that away to focus on what was and still is in front of me. 1) Survival mode from diagnosis to post operative assessment. 2) In-patient rehab. 3) Readjusting at home plus out-patient rehab.

From there I had my down time along the way. But it was easier then because I had to focus on fighting tooth and nail to accomplish anything. And I am a fighter when faced w/opposition. The tougher the opposition, the harder and smarter I fight.

Now it is much harder for me mentally. I seemed to have accomplished the survival stages and am left w/far better than expected (by the professionals) results. But the reality is I am far less than half of what I was physically. More like 25% at best. I am FORCED to fight opposition or get beat up by it. I choose to fight. But the fight is less physical and much more mental. Fighting smart AND hard is still the key. I expect to struggle in an ongoing fashion both physically and mentally. People without our burdens are not all that different here. They just have other issues than we do to (mentally) struggle over.

The good news is we get better at it as we gain experience. It takes time just as learning anything does. If we do it right and make the most of what we have, eventually we will be far stronger, mentally, than the average Joe. The physical part may never improve but so much. But the object here is "coping strategies." I find that to be mostly mental. Though physical inabilities and challenges can get in the way.

My coping strategy is to focus in-depth on my hobbies and fostering the fledgling business ideas I had in play before this happened. Between my multi-hobby life and etching a business model (or 12) out from cradle to the grave keeps me mentally challenged, active and productive. Find something you can do that you really love to do. And do it. It does wonder for the soul. ;D

[drummer904]

What I've been doing lately is, like Scrapheap, is just keep on fighting, find ways to do the things i did before surgery. Like yardwork. even though i have bad spasms and tone in my legs, my brother will help me transfer onto my lawn mower and i'll cut the grass, or just rake leaves which has been a challenge this time of year. i love playing the drums, so since my feet dont work yet, im trying to think of ways to hit the bass drum, im not too creative that way but i'll figure it out.

Just keep busy and active, thats all i can say. ;D

[ScrapHeap]

Drummer,

It's a shame we're probably not in the same neighborhood. I'd come over and help you figure out a way to get a kick pedal triggered w/hand or arm control. As a (bad) musician, I'd lose it if I couldn't play my guitar (again, badly. but still).

It must be a real bite but keep at it. Look at the Drummer for Def Leopard. He was a touring rock star, lost his leg. :::Insert Energizer Bunny Commercial Here::: "Still Going!" Not exactly the same as losing the use of both feet, I understand. If it's any consolation, you should see me trying to stand and play guitar. I look like a wired Weeble. I got a new Flying V today. Forked that sucker to the inside of my thigh and lean on it while I play. Now I look like an aggressive rocker w/an attitude... Problem solved.... UNTIL I try to move! Then I'm the wired Weeble again. ;D

Keep smakin' the skins!

[went]

I find that ignorance is bliss.

[Tmasgio]

I believe the first step is just the acceptance of what has happened. I still have somewhat of a hard time believing that aspect of my life. I try to ground myself by thinking of the positives what little they are of this surgery. I figure I am not the worst and I am not going to be the best outcome after the surgery but rather somewhere in between. With that being said I just do what makes me happy wether it is play with the kids or just having a good conversation. Small things make me happy and I no longer guess what I am going to end up left with as deficits. I just asked myself if I dont get better than what I am now can I live with it. The answer is "Yes" because I dont have a choice.

T

[msweeney]

I am over two and half years out on my surgery. I have continued to improve both physically and emotionally. I remember a post I wrote almost two years ago after a particularly bad day and I have copied it below. Those were very hard days but as I said things have progressed. It took time and hard work but I feel like I am in a much better place now. So hang in there!

Old Post regarding bad day:

I went to my massage therapist’s office and while I was in the office my car got towed from a handicapped stall. My wife and I had swapped cars and when I swapped back I forgot to put the placard back. My wallet was in the car and there was no sign as to who to call. Long story short, I had to do a lot of walking around and go through a good deal of hassle in order to get my car back. I think when you tow cars you get a lot of angry people because all parties involved had this very defensive posture and despite accepting the blame and readily agreeing to pay the associated costs, I still was treated like some sort of criminal. I had a fun day planned and this detour wiped out those plans. I wound up having to call my wife to come and get me and drive to the towing yard. She has done so much for me and has had to carry so much of the load. I felt so frustrated having to call her to do one more thing for me. I got home and I just felt terrible.

One of my big coping methods before surgery was physical activity. I was very active and very athletic and that was a huge release for me. Before surgery I was fiercely independent, very capable and productive. I came home and had all this negative energy that I managed not to unload on the building manager and tow truck operator and I did not know what to do with it. I felt trapped in my body, incapable, unproductive and then extremely angry. It just kept festering and I was surprised at the depths of my emotions. I guess it revealed to me that as well as I thought I was doing emotionally with all of this; I am just a car tow away from being pulled under.

I sat down and tried to figure out how I could turn myself back around. I tried to understand what was so hard about the day and the word that kept popping up was humility. These changes that we are forced to accept can be so humbling. I won't say that I was an arrogant person before my surgery but let's just say that humility was not a strong suit. I also understand that by and large the world is not in tune with what I am dealing with. I don't expect it to since I was not in tune with it before my surgery. It is hard to understand particular hardships until you experience them first hand. The more we experience adversity the more we are able to understand and be compassionate. I have really begun to appreciate and respect people, like my wife, who are able to be so understanding without having to experience things first hand.

I am someone who has known few limitations and I am thankful for that. This surgery has changed my circumstances and my challenge is to adapt to those changes. I have to learn to accept these new limitations and redefine some of my values. One of my favorite sayings that I would impart on my kids was that if you say you can or you can’t you are right. That makes a good deal of sense to someone who has been blessed with little physical limitations and who has known a good deal of success. I have explained to them recently that I am modifying that saying. Now I tell them that if they say they can’t they are right. Great things can happen when you put forth your best efforts but sometimes your reward will not be the trophy but in knowing that you gave it your best effort.

Another saying that was big in our family was that a job worth doing was one worth doing well. I am beginning to understand the other perspective that something worth doing is also worth doing poorly if that is the only way you can do it. I understand that many of the things I did before surgery I can’t do at all or can do in a far lesser capacity.

So those are my challenges. To find new coping methods when I have tough days. To allow myself leeway when I have too much pain or I am too stiff to get things done. I have to be humble and accept my limitations and my greater dependence. To redefine my values and reshape my thinking. To understand that I will have good days and bad days with this just like I have good days and bad days with my physical symptoms.

I had two things that really helped me rescue this day. I found out this evening that good friends, who have been unable to have children, were approved to adopt twin baby girls. I was elated for them especially after all the pain they have gone through with this process. The second was reading Joel and Deirdre’s posts and hearing your very inspiring words. You are right that your happiness is a choice you make and you can either focus on you limitations and hardships or you can chose to focus on your blessings and opportunities. I am so thankful for this forum as a place to share with people who are accepting and understanding.