Depressed? Come here and talk about it

[Joel]

After reading the "My Thoughts" topic, it sounded like we needed a specific thread dealing with depression and generally being down in the dumps. After 12 years of this, I find depression to still be a challenge. It comes and goes for me. Sometimes something little will set me off on a downward spiral, then it all seems to pile up. Obviously, if you can keep your mind off of the things you can no longer do, and lose yourself in the things you still CAN do, that is the solution. Easier said than done...

Lately, as some of you know, I have been trying to find new things I can at least try to do. Maybe that is it too. Anyway, tell us what has got you down, and maybe someone can come up with a good idea to fight it.
Joel

[chickiet]

The thing that gets me down is the realization that I can't walk 20 miles with my husband like we've done for the past two years in the fund raiser for suicide prevention. This had been a real emotional healer for us - brought us close together during training and on the night of the actual walk. Now there's no way I could make it 20 miles.

I am working to find the best way to participate, but we won't have that connection we've had during training and during the walk. Even if a walk only a little way (which probably can't happen because I'll need a medical waiver and I'm not sure I can get one from my doc), I wouldn't be participating with my hubby - this was the one big event that pulled us together following the suicide of our son.

Yes, I think I can find some meaningful way to participate - - but we still can't train together and we won't spend much if any of that time together. So no matter what "solution" I can find, I'm still down about not being able to do the walk - one of the most powerful experiences of my life...

Chris

[cindylee]

Hey Joel, good topic once again. And I guess I am finally ready to vent a little.
Did my yearly MRI today and will know in about a week what the scoop is with my back. I am okay with this. I guess it's just too much of the same environment for me.
Every day I am at the cancer center for my radiation. X-rays on Mondays. Wednesdays with one doctor, Thursdays with another. Bloodwork on Fridays. I know I will get through this. But I am back to where I was three years ago. When I was taking care of my Mom with her cancer, going through the tumor and trying to walk,and juggling bills and doctor appointments.
I feel like I just got a little taste of living without endless appointments last year ..I learned to swim then. But since October I do nothing but juggle things. I don't mean to sound selfish. I watch a lot of folks come into the center who are in much worse shape than I am. And I know I can do nothing to help them as I watch them struggle...and I know a lot of them will not make it. And certainly there are folks here on the boards who have it so much tougher. But it is just that sameness of things. It reminds me too much of the struggle with my Mom. I was on Lexapro, 10mg, for awhile and it helped with my focus. But it made me feel flat..I had very little emotion for anything..no happy, no sad, just that in between feeling.
I do appreciate everything in my life and the fact that I can wake up in the morning and stand and put my jeans on. A lot of folks can't do that.
But what I wish with all my heart is to have just an everyday routine...walk the dog, sit in the sun, go and see the ocean. To do these things without worrying about bills or my job. I just want an ordinary life again.
I know that my treatments will end, and my reports will be okay. And my doctor visits will go to monthly instead of weekly. But in the short term I'm starting to sink down. And that is something that never happened in the past years until now.
I guess the good things that have come out of all this, is that I got to meet so many wonderful people, not just in my routine, but here on the board. There are some days I cling to that. Thanks for letting me vent...Cindy

[Joel]

Chris and Cindy--great to open up! Chris, I am sure there is some way that you can still participate in that walk. Will there be a car or van full of people going long with the group? Maybe you can get walkie-talkies? 3-wheeler bike? Moped? there's got to be some way you can stay connected through this...
One thing I have also found that works for me is to get into a comfortable routine--I always start my weekdays with a trip to the local Panera coffee shop. I stay for about 45 minutes, and read or surf the internet. They all know me now, along with several of the other "regulars". Good conversation, good reading. Then I go to the gym, and work out to my favorite tunes. You could go swimming at a gym too, right? Then the office. Maybe the best way to feel normal is to try and develop a "normal" routine of some sort, that is fun and makes the day seem worthwhile. Can you do something like this in between all the doctor visits?

[Tmasgio]

Good Topic! I deal with depression by taking Cymbalta however it only takes me so far. I used to wake up every morning and just think I was going to miraculously feel great. I am trying to adjust my mind and think about everything that is good in my life. I have a great job and great employees that work with me. I have two fantastic children and a wonderful wife.

I hate the back spasms and that sometimes sends me right down the road of Depression. I was thinking just last night what would I give if I could be back to normal again. I could not come up with anything I want to sacrifice. I guess all I have is hope that they will make some breakthrough in Spinal Cord Injuries and the madness will stop but in the meantime the "plan" is just to live and don't waste any precious time as life is to short. As we all know the "plan" gets deterred from time to time.

Tony

[Joel]

This topic has been very good for me, in that it has set me to thinking about my situation, my body, and my place in "the universe". More than ever, I think I am now, in some respects, just along for the ride, inside my body. My body much more than before, just does what it wants to do. I have much less control. So, my job is to find out how I can adjust myself so that I can enjoy the ride as much as possible. I read, I write, I taste, and I watch as much as possible. Then I also do as much as possible to exercise what little control I still have over my body. So--I bought a 3-wheeled bike to ride, I skied using a bi-ski sled, and now I'm going to go scuba diving this weekend for the first time in many years. Maybe this way, I can "trick" my body into doing things that can still make me happy. I do get depressed though, but maybe not so much as otherwise might be the case. What else can I/we do? Maybe an online class or bookclub? Also the SCTA site--yeah, that's the ticket!

[qhcrazy]

Yes, count me in on the occasional depression. I can't walk fast or run. I try to pretend that I'm normal again, and my body quickly reminds me that I'm not. I should be greatful for the little triumphs I am having, such as being able to walk again, drive again, and bending over to pick things up, but of course, as you all very well know, it's all uncomfortable as heck. Everyone looks at me and THINKS I'm normal just because I look normal. They have absolutley NO idea how abnormal my senses are. I just wish for maybe one hour of my old body, minus the tumor of course, and being able to feel my legs and feet again. I get tired of having to deal with wearing socks to bed and moving slowly and feeling so drained of energy from just walking. Somebody on here once said that they felt like they were walking in waist deep water....BINGO!!!!! I wonder if I can feel the sand this Summer or not. I know I can't differentiate between things touching my "new skin". That's a bummer as well. But, on the bright side, pray constantly and always hope for a miracle!

[8338]

Hi everyone,
I get depressed when I go to a wedding or banquet or picnic and there is music and everyone is dancing. I used to dance every song and now I can just prop myself up against the wall and bobble. Sure, my husband and I can dance very slow dances but I want to dance fast. I usually end up crying and my husband gets depressed. I used to take Lexapro also and it took the edge off of stuff but I didn't want to stay on it.
I am basically a positive person but every so often- WOW! I hit bottom, cry and pick myself up.
I am also jeoulous of those who take their bodies for granted (well, we all did at one time, huh). I agree with Joel that this experience really makes you think about life and it's meaning.
Chris, I'm sorry that you can't participate in that walk. The late Carol Miller, who was on this board for years, even though she knew her prognosis was not good, went and talked to the CORD Foundation to lend her support for those going through sct's. Perhaps you and your husband could get involved to others going through this.
Cindy, I am so sorry that you have to go through the cancer senerio again. It just doesn't seem fair with all you've had to deal with! You'll get through it. A teacher at work was diagnosed last year at this time, went all summer with radiation and chemo, lost all of her hair, eyelashes, eyebrows and fingernails. Now she has beautiful thick hair (which she just had tinted), her eyebrows, eyelashes and fingernails have grown back and you would never know that she had had cancer. She surrouned herself with friends and was very open with talking to people about it and that is how she got through.
It definetly helps me to stay busy to. If I am off too long from work, I really sink down.
Hope this helped,
Barb

[WhiteAngel]

What gets to me is when family members, who want to make things easier for me, and they try to help me too much, yes too much, yes – you – read – right. I know they mean well and I do appreciate it, and so not to offend them, I tend to give in. It – drives – me – nuts! If I say no I’m right just give me a sec, they grab me anyway. They then get upset and say I’m being difficult or stubborn or both. It’s like I having my freedom taken away, I have no say in the matter. So then when I really need help I have to think twice about asking, even the physio said, they should only be there as support and let me do the work, only help if I ask. Its one thing I’ve learned well over the years living with SCT, is that I know where my boundary’s and limits are. It’s like they’re deaf or something, they make me lose any confidence I have in my own abilities. And God forbid if I should happen to fall, I’ll never hear the end of it. They automatically think that they know what’s best for me, and half the time they get it wrong, they have no idea. They just assume things are one way when in fact it is not, and it doesn’t matter how many times you explain it, they just don’t get it. They also seem to have forgotten how difficult it is from being fairly independent and then needing help to do the simplest things. I don’t get it, if I was dying and needed treatment and I refused, they would be doing everything to keep me alive. So then why wouldn’t be the same? Why wouldn’t they encourage me to walk more, exercise more instead of using my scooter and over helping when I don’t ask for it?

I feel like I’m being pushed in the opposite direction to where I want to go, I’m always reminded of what I can’t do for myself and not what I can. They are even telling me that I need help with dressing and such, how would they know. I know that’s down the track but I’m not there just yet....and when the time comes that I will need it, I will organise it. Seriously, if I had listened to my family, I would’ve been using a chair 5 years ago, never gotten my drives license, or even worked. You know the saying use it or lose it, it’s like they want me to lose any abilities I do have left....

[WhiteAngel]

8338 said:

Hi everyone,
I get depressed when I go to a wedding or banquet or picnic and there is music and everyone is dancing. I used to dance every song and now I can just prop myself up against the wall and bobble. Sure, my husband and I can dance very slow dances but I want to dance fast. I usually end up crying and my husband gets depressed. Barb

Hey Barb,

I can relate to that, I used to love dancing and i hate going watching everyone out on the dace floor having such a great time...and wishing I knew what it would of been like to be a bride and have a big wedding...I no longer go to weddings...people don't understand how painful it can be...