Post by vickie on Jun 4, 2008 15:25:17 GMT -6
Well hello everyone, It's been a while since I've been here lots going on mostly bad, but hey I'm still alive and that is all that counts right? 
It's amazing you spend your youth making plans believing that anything is possible and sometimes if you plan just right and have enough luck it does happen, they the chosen few are grateful and content. The rest of us, or at least me, watched my dreams fade away into other dreams and hopes. Marriage and children instead of the degree and adventure of being a zoologist. I don't regret it, miss it yes, let it sadden me at times you bet especially when in a couple of months I'm 51 (and I know that isn't old by any means) and my life didn't turn out exactly like I planned, oh I had lots of adventures, traveled, had fun but there is that nagging feeling in the back of your head that keeps telling you you didn't make the choices you really wanted and then comes the day, a lovely morning, fun day at work, plans with friends that night a quick drive to a pizza parlor and bam you wake up in an ICU three days later being screamed at by your mother your brain is alright (my little sister was in an MVA when she was 17 and stayed in a coma for 20 years before passing) I faced a lot of changes that year and lived with pain from then on. But I put on the tough face raised my kid married a loser AGAIN, got rid of him lived loved a great guy way younger than me a ski bum, but looks and a body to die for, but sanity prevailed and I moved on. Again another fender bender and more pain and the biggest jolt of all the dreaded spinal cord tumor diagnosis two surgeries later and a sit down with the doc to tell me there is nothing left to do but watch it and wait for it to take my legs, okay enough now I don't want any more bad news I want to live my life with laughter and peace not more pain but hey life is what you make of it right? I learned to laugh again and manage the pain with narcotics.
And now my legs give out one minute I feel them the next I'm on the floor and nope no feeling no movement, I lay there and feel the panic rising and the need to yell not now, give me a few more years but as soon as the words come out the feeling starts to come back. The right leg is a lot weaker now but I try to hide it, I don't have the heart to tell my daughter she's going through to much, haven't bothered with the docs what is the point, there isn't a damn thing they can do. So I sit here and wait for the time when my legs give out and don't come back. I'm trying to remember all my tough talk of before that I'll be fine in a wheelchair and there are a lot out there worse than me so I shouldn't complain and I try not to. I know it's going to come but why so soon?
My daughter as some of you know tends to be a little less than kind about what is happening to me. I guess I wasn't watching her or her now not to be husband. He was diagnosed last year as being bi-polar, given meds, told to go to therapy and learn to live with it, all was going okay, but not under the surface if you know what I mean. About a month ago he decided he wasn't ill it was all a conspiracy and went off the meds, He became manic pretend to commit suicide, well he took a bottle of pills and slit his wrists five minutes before my daughter got home from work, to me that was a plea for help not I want to die, this all happened after he took off for four days stealing gas and getting drunk and arrested all the way to Reno. He was put into the physic unit at the hospital for a week seemed to be doing okay and accepting then one morning just left and of course my daughter welcomed him home, talk about denial! All was well in her eyes, he was taking some meds but drinking none stop. My daughter so used to walking on egg shells does nothing and I stew taking care of her kids, cleaning, cooking etc. One Saturday I go to take my meds and realize that there are few left, I had, had gall bladder surgery three weeks earlier, not the lap kind I have to much scar tissue so I was a week in hospital, this doc doubled my dose of oxycontin and six percocet per day, fun I had very little back pain JOY NO PAIN, I told my pain doc and she agreed to have me change but I was to gradually drop the dosage of the percocet to three a day, I admit I wasn't dropping the dosage between the stress of living with all the craziness of the now defunct son in law and the pain from "adhesions" attached to my ribs that made me feel like I was dieing every time I bent over. There was no way I should be so low on pills. I figured I must of been taking them and not realizing, looked my self in the mirror and said no way I'm not doing this and threw the rest down the toilet, on Monday I called the pain doc told her the truth and I didn't want anymore drugs if I was taking them without thinking, she gave me clondine and told me to come in when I needed to. Funny I just felt jumpy for a couple of days and took a couple of clonidine and felt great by the mid week other than the return of the dreaded pain. Of course this is when the big drama started the day I started or stopped taking meds my darling ass of a x son in law got drunk instead of taking his meds "borrowed" my car without asking (I call that stealing but hey who am I?) and left, my daughter thought he'd be back soon but guess what nope, I told her the next day he'd gone back to Reno but she didn't believe me, about an hour later she walked in looking down and I was sure he was in jail again but nope he totaled my car in Susanville Ca about 300 miles from our home, he also confessed to stealing my meds, isn't that nice?
I wanted to kill him well at least have him arrested for stealing but no don't do it mom I don't want him in jail for five years. Hell I want break his neck myself.
All I could see with the loss of that car was that was the last bit of independence I had and now it's gone. I don't know if the doc will believe me about the pain meds but at least I know what happened and that makes me feel better. I don't know how I'm going to control the pain, which mounts by the day. At least home is better even though we have to move now and sell most of what we have to make it, my income isn't great and neither is my daughter's he made the most money. But I keep telling my daughter it's a new adventure and she will survive we all do. At least now I understand a little of my daughter's distance she was being abused and I didn't even no it, it's funny you don't when it's not physical abuse, I guess it teaches me to pain more attention to live.
Well this is real long and for that I"m sorry.
vickie
It's amazing you spend your youth making plans believing that anything is possible and sometimes if you plan just right and have enough luck it does happen, they the chosen few are grateful and content. The rest of us, or at least me, watched my dreams fade away into other dreams and hopes. Marriage and children instead of the degree and adventure of being a zoologist. I don't regret it, miss it yes, let it sadden me at times you bet especially when in a couple of months I'm 51 (and I know that isn't old by any means) and my life didn't turn out exactly like I planned, oh I had lots of adventures, traveled, had fun but there is that nagging feeling in the back of your head that keeps telling you you didn't make the choices you really wanted and then comes the day, a lovely morning, fun day at work, plans with friends that night a quick drive to a pizza parlor and bam you wake up in an ICU three days later being screamed at by your mother your brain is alright (my little sister was in an MVA when she was 17 and stayed in a coma for 20 years before passing) I faced a lot of changes that year and lived with pain from then on. But I put on the tough face raised my kid married a loser AGAIN, got rid of him lived loved a great guy way younger than me a ski bum, but looks and a body to die for, but sanity prevailed and I moved on. Again another fender bender and more pain and the biggest jolt of all the dreaded spinal cord tumor diagnosis two surgeries later and a sit down with the doc to tell me there is nothing left to do but watch it and wait for it to take my legs, okay enough now I don't want any more bad news I want to live my life with laughter and peace not more pain but hey life is what you make of it right? I learned to laugh again and manage the pain with narcotics.
And now my legs give out one minute I feel them the next I'm on the floor and nope no feeling no movement, I lay there and feel the panic rising and the need to yell not now, give me a few more years but as soon as the words come out the feeling starts to come back. The right leg is a lot weaker now but I try to hide it, I don't have the heart to tell my daughter she's going through to much, haven't bothered with the docs what is the point, there isn't a damn thing they can do. So I sit here and wait for the time when my legs give out and don't come back. I'm trying to remember all my tough talk of before that I'll be fine in a wheelchair and there are a lot out there worse than me so I shouldn't complain and I try not to. I know it's going to come but why so soon?
My daughter as some of you know tends to be a little less than kind about what is happening to me. I guess I wasn't watching her or her now not to be husband. He was diagnosed last year as being bi-polar, given meds, told to go to therapy and learn to live with it, all was going okay, but not under the surface if you know what I mean. About a month ago he decided he wasn't ill it was all a conspiracy and went off the meds, He became manic pretend to commit suicide, well he took a bottle of pills and slit his wrists five minutes before my daughter got home from work, to me that was a plea for help not I want to die, this all happened after he took off for four days stealing gas and getting drunk and arrested all the way to Reno. He was put into the physic unit at the hospital for a week seemed to be doing okay and accepting then one morning just left and of course my daughter welcomed him home, talk about denial! All was well in her eyes, he was taking some meds but drinking none stop. My daughter so used to walking on egg shells does nothing and I stew taking care of her kids, cleaning, cooking etc. One Saturday I go to take my meds and realize that there are few left, I had, had gall bladder surgery three weeks earlier, not the lap kind I have to much scar tissue so I was a week in hospital, this doc doubled my dose of oxycontin and six percocet per day, fun I had very little back pain JOY NO PAIN, I told my pain doc and she agreed to have me change but I was to gradually drop the dosage of the percocet to three a day, I admit I wasn't dropping the dosage between the stress of living with all the craziness of the now defunct son in law and the pain from "adhesions" attached to my ribs that made me feel like I was dieing every time I bent over. There was no way I should be so low on pills. I figured I must of been taking them and not realizing, looked my self in the mirror and said no way I'm not doing this and threw the rest down the toilet, on Monday I called the pain doc told her the truth and I didn't want anymore drugs if I was taking them without thinking, she gave me clondine and told me to come in when I needed to. Funny I just felt jumpy for a couple of days and took a couple of clonidine and felt great by the mid week other than the return of the dreaded pain. Of course this is when the big drama started the day I started or stopped taking meds my darling ass of a x son in law got drunk instead of taking his meds "borrowed" my car without asking (I call that stealing but hey who am I?) and left, my daughter thought he'd be back soon but guess what nope, I told her the next day he'd gone back to Reno but she didn't believe me, about an hour later she walked in looking down and I was sure he was in jail again but nope he totaled my car in Susanville Ca about 300 miles from our home, he also confessed to stealing my meds, isn't that nice?
I wanted to kill him well at least have him arrested for stealing but no don't do it mom I don't want him in jail for five years. Hell I want break his neck myself.
All I could see with the loss of that car was that was the last bit of independence I had and now it's gone. I don't know if the doc will believe me about the pain meds but at least I know what happened and that makes me feel better. I don't know how I'm going to control the pain, which mounts by the day. At least home is better even though we have to move now and sell most of what we have to make it, my income isn't great and neither is my daughter's he made the most money. But I keep telling my daughter it's a new adventure and she will survive we all do. At least now I understand a little of my daughter's distance she was being abused and I didn't even no it, it's funny you don't when it's not physical abuse, I guess it teaches me to pain more attention to live.
Well this is real long and for that I"m sorry.
vickie
Why did you say they can only wait and watch your tumor, is it inoperable?